What We Do For Love
by ChelseaMarieC
Summary: Everything seems to be going right for the Castles that is until a very happy occasion turns into despair. When Kate gets the news that she is pregnant, everyone is more than happy, that is until she loses it. She continues to try and losing one is heartbreak. Can she afford to lose another? Will they get their Happily Ever After? And what lengths will Rick go to, to ensure so.
1. Chapter 1

What We Do For Love

A Castle short by: Chelsea Marie Clark (chelseamariec)

"Ugh, Castle move." Kate pushed him off her and his heavier frame was draining her strength before she even had fully awakened. She kicked at the tangled sheets between her and Castle.

"Mhmm…" He rolled off her but made no other attempt to wake up. His foot kicked out and Kate slid right out of the bed. That woke him up, the sound of her body slamming against the floor. "Kate?"

"I am down on the floor thank you." She slid her legs out of the covers and wished she had worn pajama pants rather than a nightshirt. "Seriously though?" She successfully got herself upright and looked at his barely awake face inches from hers. "Thank you for worrying so much that you didn't even get out of bed for me." She huffed and made her way down the hallway.

"Wait." He followed after her, taking the bedding with him. "I'm sorry. I just got home really late last night and well, I'm sorry." He pulled her by the waist and up against him. "You do know that we don't have to get ready for awhile right?"

"I was going to get an early start on the paperwork for the case I just wrapped up. I have a lot ahead of me, but you can do something without me." She smiled deviously and was thankful that he couldn't see her.

"Not funny. Come on, you could get there an hour later and you'd still be early. What is it five in the morning?" He let her go and walked further into the kitchen, "Yeah it's just now five. Please?" He started to slide his fingers under her nightshirt and he stopped just at the middle of her back.

"No." She pulled his arm out of her shirt and started brewing her coffee. "I am tired and I, I um…" She started rummaging through the fridge even though her creamer was right in front of her.

"What?" Now Rick wanted her full attention, "Kate?" He sat down on the counter and waited for her to turn around.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to him, the chill of the fridge causing goose bumps to rise along her flesh. "I am pregnant." She waited out his reaction. She expected the scared panic in his eyes and the speechlessness. What she didn't expect was his utter enjoyment.

"We have a little Castle growing inside you? This is wonderful! Oh my gosh, I have always wanted to have a child. We haven't been trying for very long and well… Kate? This is the best news ever!" He ran right to her and lifted her into his arms.

"Even better than all your writing awards?" He stopped spinning her but held her still in his arms.

"Of course, why would you need to ask? This is amazing news! I can't wait to tell the whole world about our future Castle."

Now she panicked. "Whoa, I don't want the whole world knowing our business. Friends and family are different but this," she laid her palm on her stomach, "this is ours, not the worlds baby."

He nodded like he understood but part of him was too busy making room in his life for another person. He shuffled his hair and mumbled under his breath and tried to sound coherent.

"Um, Rick? Are you sure you are ok?" Her warm palm landed on his shoulder. "If you are freaking out I understand. If you need time alone, I…"

"I'm not freaking out, I am so excited because in the first time in a long time, I feel like I have control of my life. You are everything to me and this baby, our baby, means more than I can say. Are you scared?"

She leaned herself up against the kitchen counter, her hair fell loosely around her face and she slowly smiled to herself. "Yeah but that's why I am so excited. I've always loved kids and couldn't wait to have one of my own and now I, we, are so close to it." Her hand slowly rubbed her stomach and his hand rested on hers. "We can do this Rick."

"I know." He lifted her nightshirt and leaned down over her stomach. "Hey little buddy, you are going to have the best mother in the world."

"And the best father." She bent down a little, until her lips were lost in his hair.

There was a light tap on the door and when Kate opened it, Alexis stepped in. In her arms, she was struggling with her baby carrier. Rick ran right over to help take little Michael from her. She got all the way in the door, dropped her diaper bag and shoved the door closed after her.

"Ugh, when are they going to fix that elevator dad?" Alexis ran right to Kate, gave her a kiss on her cheek and ran to plant one on Rick. "Do you know how hard it is to have to carry a carrier all the way up the stairs?"

The look he gave her said it all. "To what do we owe the pleasure?" He sat right next to Michael and was already taking him out and holding him close. He made goofy faces in hopes that Michael would laugh but he was silent. "Is he broken?"

"Dad… I thought you and Kate agreed to watch him. Is it not your day?" Alexis frantically whipped out her phone and pulled up her calendar. "Is it possible I made a mistake? I have those exams today and…" her voice leaked her nerves until she found today's date. "I was right. Dad, you and Kate were supposed to be watching Michael today. Did you really forget?"

Kate slid back out into the living room, this time fully dressed. "Come on Castle. When I am done with the paperwork then I will take over." She took Michael in her arms and he immediately reached for her finger. "Hey little man. How are you?" Kate looked down at his perfectly round face and his little, soft, pink, lips and thought of the little one growing inside of her.

MORE TO COME…


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

"As long as I don't have to be all alone today. I have two chapters that need to be sent before she gets on my case." He went right behind Kate and began to make faces at Michael again.

"Since when have you ever turned anything on time? Besides, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat." Alexis gave a big whopping kiss to Michael and hugged Rick and Kate goodbye. "Thanks again guys."

"Anytime." Kate sat on the end of the couch and cradled Michael in her arms. "Hey little fella, pretty soon you are gonna be an uncle to someone. And then you'll be able to play and have someone your age." Kate bent down and kissed him on his nose.

"And that doesn't sound creepy at all." Rick sang in a baby voice then held out Kate's to go cup of coffee and traded it for Michael. "I just can't believe that we're having one of our own. I knew it was in due time but who knew…"

"That now was the time. I mean, we've tried and it hasn't worked and…" a cloud fell over her.

"Kate, it will workout. I promise. Just cause it hasn't worked yet doesn't mean it won't now."

"But Rick, what if…" She rubbed her face and tried to not let the dark cloud swallow her.

"Good thing we don't live on what ifs. So, go to work and think about the little miracle growing inside of you. Ok?" He pulled her lips to his and let her wander off without a worry but that didn't stop him.

After sending his chapters in, he fought the urge to call up Martha. "Man Michael, she is really taking this no electronic devices retreat seriously. I wish she would give up like she has before. What if Kate does lose the baby? What will that mean for us, for her?" Rick looked down to a sound asleep Michael on his chest and sighed.

Kate leaned back into her chair and kept tugging on her blouse. Sure she couldn't be showing already, she just found out she was expecting. But why was it that she felt her clothes were already too tight. She shook her head and tried to hurry up and finish the paperwork for the DA. Ryan and Espo walked in and waved to her and all she could muster was a quick smirk. The nausea was growing inside of her.

"Hey Beckett. Want a donut?" Ryan extended the box her way and she took one look at the donut and the fear made her coffee rise up.

She quickly shook her head and made a mad dash to the bathroom. Once inside, she locked the door and leaned against the sink. She splashed some cold water on her face and watched the color run back to her face.

"Get it together Kate. It will be okay. Sure, you were afraid at first but you are pregnant now. It will all be ok." She grabbed her mother's ring and clutched it into a tight fist. "I could really use you mom. I wish you were here." She let one tear fall then mustered up her strength, dried her face, and forced herself out of the bathroom.

"Why did you run from a cronut? You never turn a cronut down. What's up?" Espo leaned on the corner of her desk while Ryan munched his way through another.

"Bad sushi last night. I told Rick it was a bad idea but he had to be right." They all laughed at his expense and they left her to finish up her paperwork.

"Writer boy." Espo and Ryan got a few more laughs in before they were completely out of ear shot and she laughed at the nickname that had stuck to Rick right away. Even after everyone found out that they were an item, it was still brought out on rare occasions and it brought that moment right back to her.

It was funny the first time she met him, her being a big fan and all. But still to this day, he never knew how much she loved him before she even got the chance to. It was okay that he didn't know, he still had that ego she hated but loved. At the thought of Rick, she pressed speed dial 1 and let it ring.

"Hey babe. How's the writing going?" She heard zombie noises in the background and laughed to herself. "Sounds like you are getting a lot of writing done. Rick, where is Michael while you are killing all theses zombies?"

"Taking a nap thank you. And how do you know that this isn't inspiring me to think of something so brilliant that it may even surprise you?" He shot another zombie down and then paused the game.

"Because I know you. I should be home in about an hour if we don't catch a case." She watched Gates talking on the phone and looked nervously down at her stomach. She had to tell Gates at one point but it didn't seem the perfect time to.

"Speaking of case, don't you think you should be put on desk duty?" At his own words, he took in a breath.

"Excuse me?" Desk duty was a sore subject ever since her shooting when she had to earn her badge back. "I will have you know that I will never be ok with desk duty."

"Got it. My own stupidity." He checked the clock near his feet and dropped his legs from his desk. "I gotta go but call me if you catch a case."

She dropped her pen and leaned back into her own chair. "Where do you have to go to?"

"Bathroom. Bye." And with that, the phone clicked off.

"Bye to you too." She dropped her phone on her desk and watched Gates enter the bullpen. She took one look at Beckett and cocked her head to the side.

"Detective? A word?" She ushered Kate in and didn't make a move to sit down. "Are you ok? You look kind of ill." Gates leaned a little closer and Kate fought the self conscious thoughts from taking over her facial expressions.

"I'm good. Just getting over bad sushi from last night." She looked at Ryan and Espo and leaned her head to her stomach. "You know on second thought, my paperwork is all done. Mind if I just head home?"

"You're turning a fresh case down?"

She wanted to say no that she was kidding but she had someone else to start worrying about now. "Just this once, I think I am."

"Ok then. Let me know if you want in." And then Gates leaned her hand on Kate's.

"Thanks Sir." She began to pack up her things and Espo and Ryan saddled up next to her. "Giving you guys lead. Not feeling so hot."

"Are you sure you're ok?" Ryan pushed past Espo to get a better look at her.

"Sure am Kev. Javi, you guys got this. Night." And she pushed past them and once safely in the elevator, she rubbed her stomach. "For you."

MORE TO COME...


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

She closed the door behind her and began to nervously pace her living room, once safely tucked inside her apartment. All her worries of losing the baby was what made her wait to start trying in the first place. And now she was and while she should be celebrating, that little nagging worry plagued her mind. She hadn't gone to find Rick when she came home, she immediately began to pace. After successfully worrying for ten minutes, she went to track him down.

She caught him snuggled into his couch in his office. He had a pen dangling out of his hand and an open notebook. She tip toed over to him and slid the notebook out of his grasp. She sat down on the edge of his couch, careful to not wake him, and began to read.

Dear Baby,

This is your daddy writing, it's kind of what I do. When you are older you will understand my writing. But I'm not writing this to brag about myself, I am writing this because I just found out that I'm a dad, your dad.

I want so much for you and can't wait to write down everything else I wanna say but I have to say just one thing. Your mom worries but she doesn't need to. I know that you will be the best baby there ever was. Your mom is fantastic. She is smart, driven, funny, and will give anyone a run for their money. Wait till you meet her. And I know that when you do, you will be her new shiny star and I will lose that title but that's ok with me. She is worth it.

Kate slid the notebook down and couldn't help but cry. And that woke Rick up. He lightly kicked her side and sat up. Once he opened his eyes, he was terrified.

"I kicked you! Oh no, I'm so sorry! Are you ok? Is the baby ok?" He reached out and laid his palm across her stomach.

"We're fine Rick. Physically, but emotionally?" And she began to resume crying. He pulled her to him and she wrapped herself into his arms.

"Kate, it will be ok. Worrying won't help it at all. We can do this. No need to be afraid. I just want to know," he pulled back from her a little to look in her eyes, "Where is all this coming from? This fear?"

"Ever since I found out that I was pregnant, about a week ago, I have been having nightmares. And they are so real and every time, I lose the baby. I don't want to lose the baby. I know it happens because when we were trying, I read all the books." She wiped at her tear then just gave up as more fell.

"Babe, it's a fear you have. Ok. But don't let that rest on your shoulders. You can give it to me. And if you have another nightmare, then wake me up and I'll get you back to sleep. Sound like a plan?" He grabbed her face in his hands and when she nodded, he pulled her in for a deep kiss. His lips were relaxing her, he could feel her letting go.

"Thank you. And you're probably right, I am worrying for nothing." She pulled herself from his grasp and went to change out of her clothes. But on the way, she rested her hand on her stomach and sent a silent pray up into the sky, that nothing bad would happen to this baby.

**Three Months Later**…

"Are you kidding me?" Kate slammed her phone on her receiver and pushed away from her desk. That was the last time she was calling the narcotics squad for help. Anytime she did, they gave her lip and she was pregnant, she couldn't handle anyone else having lip. She rubbed her stomach, underneath her desk, as she still hadn't shared her news with anyone but her dad. Martha and Alexis knew as well but she just didn't want to share beyond that point.

She gripped her stomach as the nausea was passing, she was glad that time was over and went to her murder board. She only wore loose fitting shirts now and she was hoping that nobody had noticed.

"What was that all about?" Esposito sat on the edge of her desk and raised his eyebrows to her. She rarely lost it on the phone with someone let alone another cop.

"They don't feel comfortable admitting that they had an undercover out in the field the time of the murder. But I know they did. They have to be stuck up and assholes!" She stared at the picture of her victim.

Emily James was twenty-three years old and had her whole life ahead of her. But someone had to go and cut it short. Kate knew Emily had gotten into something way over her head and wanted to get to the bottom of it all.

"Have Ryan talk to them. He has friends there still, maybe he can give you an in." Espo looked at her barely noticeable bulge and smiled. She wasn't fooling anybody. Between the sleep deprivation and the nausea and anger she was sporting lately, everyone knew she was pregnant.

"Yeah, you're right. Ok." She went and sat down back at her desk and felt the heartburn start to kick in. On her last visit to her doctor, he had warned her that heartburn, gas, and constipation were on its way. And the tiredness and forgetfulness were right around the corner. And she forgot about Ryan being in Narcotics.

"Yeah. So, if you are good now, then cool." He tapped her arm and she smiled at him. She rubbed her eyes and seriously missed her caffeinated coffee every morning.

Her phone rang and when she saw Rick's name across it, she was thrilled.  
"Hey babe. How are you?" The reception was funny but he was all the way in California at a writer's fundraiser.

"Better now. Hold on, the crowd is pretty loud." Rick navigated to the back of the stage and found the nearest stairwell he could hide out in. "Ok, much better. Man do I want to be home with you and the baby." He felt bad about leaving her all alone but she forced him to go.

"You're not missing much. Just the fact that I keep forgetting things. I know it's to be expected but it's so not me. I just can't wait for two more days." She waited for him to agree right away but he didn't. "Rick? What aren't you telling me?"

"Kate, this thing is so huge that they asked me to lead them on a tour that has been in the works for a while now. I said that I'd think about it. If you really want me to go I will…"

She thought a minute and this was a big opportunity for him. "How long would you be gone?"

"A month. And then I'd be home. Tell me not to go." He silently begged it of her because he refused to go if she so much as uttered anything close to a no.

"You should do it. It's a big opportunity for you and besides, I have Alexis and Michael with me so I'm not alone. Babe, do it. I'll keep sending you pictures and when you get back, we can talk about a certain sound."

"The ultra kind?" He allowed himself to laugh but he wished she had said no. he wanted to be home with her and watch her grow. "Are you sure babe?"

She looked down at her stomach and felt a ping in her chest. "Sure am." But she wasn't. She was scared to be alone without him. What if something happened and she needed him and he wasn't there? That stress she was feeling came as a warning sign to her. The baby didn't need more stress. All her fears swam back into her mind and no one was there to save her from drowning.

MORE TO COME…


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

The light clicking noise, drove Kate out of a sound sleep. She smacked her alarm and cursed the clock when it only read 4:30 A.M. She slid out of bed and went straight to the noise. It was coming from outside her door. She told herself not to panic, that it was just all in her head. But something nagged at her, deep in her gut. And this wasn't the nachos talking. The clicking got louder like someone was attempting to pick a lock. She didn't hesitate, she ran right to her bedroom drawer and slid out her gun. She tip toed back to the door and aimed her gun.

There was one last click, and her door was pushed open. "Freeze!" She stood still, gun aimed but when her eyes adjusted, she felt like an idiot. Rick dropped his bag at his feet and held his hands up.

"Whoa, honey. Put the gun down." He dropped his hands and made his way to her. He slid the gun from her hands and watched as her body slowly drew out of shock.

"You're here! But the tour and I told you to do it!" She threw herself into his arms and just held tight.

"I couldn't stand to be away from you any longer." He lifted her off her feet, ever so slightly and squeezed her tighter. "How is everything?" He let her down but still held her in his arms.

"Better now." She kissed him and her need for him took over. She unhinged herself from him and pulled him with her to the bedroom. She kicked the door shut after them and began to unbutton his shirt as her lips melted to his.

He slid her shirt off and they grabbed hungrily at each other. They laughed against each other's lips and slid together onto the bed. He pulled the covers up and over them and they found each other again. They held tight to the moment and she let him flood her every whim. His lips traced patterns across her skin and her hands wove into his back with every movement of love.

After they had their time with each other, she clutched her stomach. "Rick? What if I mess things up?" She rubbed her stomach and he just grew serious.

He laid his hand on top of hers and leaned down to kiss her belly. "You could never mess things up. And if by some off chance you did, you would be normal. Everyone makes mistakes Kate. Look at me." He waited for her eyes to find his. "I don't get to ever see my dad because, well you know. And up until a few years ago, I didn't know who he was or if he was even alive. My mom raised me on Broadway living and I turned out ok." He smiled when she did and kissed her lips once more.

"Yeah I know. And well, I got screwed too. I want to be able to tell my mom about all of this but I can't. How can I know what to do?" She wiped at her tears and tried to gain control over her emotions.

"Honey? Do you think your mom knew exactly what to do when she had you? She didn't but she learned. And you will too. And if you really need guidance, turn to Martha, she is your mom too."

"Babe, I know. But my mom was, _my mom,_ and Martha is my mother in law which I am very appreciative, it's just."

"Nothing like having your mom. I get it. I was just saying that you could turn to Martha and Alexis and your dad and if my dad randomly pops up, you can talk to him too." They allowed themselves to laugh but it was true.

When they got married, Rick didn't even know how to send his dad an invite. He thought of all the slight communications he had and just counted on him being there, fading into the picture like he had done before. But Rick searched everyone and his dad hadn't been there. On his son's biggest and happiest day, he wasn't there for him. Rick felt foolish even believing that he would magically show up. But was that too much to ask? He hadn't been in the picture for Rick's entire life but when it came to saving Alexis, he was more than happy to show up.

"Rick?" Kate snapped him back to the present and he shook his hair out. "What's wrong? I lost you for a minute there." She rubbed his arm as he wrapped himself around her.

"Just thinking about how wonderful our future is gonna be." He bent his head onto her chest and she gently ran her fingers through his hair.

"Ok. Are we gonna talk about how you decided to ditch the tour?" With that he lifted his head to her.

"I couldn't stand being away from you. Maybe if you weren't with child, I would be less hesitant. But Kate, anything could happen and I don't want to miss a damn thing. If things are meant to be, then I'll have another chance. All is good." He kissed her lips before turning on his side.

"If you say so. Night." But he was already snoring. She stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours but was mere minutes. She was wide awake. She slid her nightgown back on and went to sit out in the living room. After flipping the TV on and then getting bored, she went to her library. She was careful to not disturb Michael. But he was already standing up in his crib.

"You are awake already?" Kate lifted him out of his crib and carried him to her rocking chair. "So, you have it pretty easy. You don't have to worry about what others think or say. You get taken care of. It must be nice." She kissed his nose and let him take her hand. "I know, I have nothing to complain about. But Michael what if I lose this baby? What if I fail a life?" Kate's tear hit Michael's cheek and he shook his head out. "Sorry honey."

He laughed and reached for her when she kissed it off his cheek. He made little noises, almost cooing. His smile reached across his whole face and he kicked his legs. Kate kissed his nose and laughed with every kick his foot made.

"Calm down there. I'm sorry for crying. I shouldn't be worried, every one keeps telling me that everything will be fine but I can't believe them. I feel like something is wrong." His little face yawned and she joined him. "I'll let you get back to bed." She lifted him off her chest and put him back in his crib but he didn't lay down. "Ok, now what can I get you?" She watched his hand reach through the bars of his crib and she watched as he laid his hand on her stomach. "Do you know something I don't?" Kate heard her alarm go off and sighed.

She kissed Michael on his head, laid him back down, then jogged to her bedroom. Rick reached over her side and flipped the alarm off only to have her side of the bed bare. He took a look at the door and saw her standing there.

"Come here." He patted the spot next to him and she fell into his arms. "It's all going to be ok. I promise." He kissed her neck and prayed that it was a promise he could keep.

MORE TO COME…


	5. Chapter 5

**I couldn't have done this chapter with out my soulmate, caskettshipper3. You make me whole and she helped me write this. Much love girlie.**

Part 5

All through work, Kate kept taking looks at her stomach. She didn't want to make it obvious but she couldn't help it. Michael touching her stomach, felt like an omen. And she didn't believe in that, Rick did. All his crazy theories like with the video he was scared for her to watch. She admitted it freaked her out but she had a job to do. She let him feed into the worry.

"Um, Beckett?" Esposito was standing over her. He held a file in his hands and she took it from him without a word. He knew something was up but he never pried. That wasn't him. That was Ryan worrying. He was so curious, that he went to hunt Ryan down.

Ryan was busy making a coffee when Esposito bombarded him. He spilt some of it on his shirt, and he sighed. "Man, why did you have to freak me out?"

"Something is going on with Kate and I don't pry. It's our thing but you need to find out what is going on."

"Yeah, she has been out of it lately. Wanting to do paperwork and turning down a fresh case? Fine, I'll do it this time but next time it's your turn." He left his coffee and swore he say Espo take a sip out of it.

Kate finished the one report that the DA had been complaining about. She reached for another and as she did, she felt a ping in her stomach. Three months in and now the gas pains kick in. Tomorrow she had an ultra sound appointment and she was worried. She kept laying her palm across her stomach and making sure that the bump was real.

Ryan laid out his coffee stained tie and approached Kate. "Hey Beckett. How are you?" He said it so stiffly that he knew that she realized that he was a nervous wreck.

"I'm fine. You?" She enjoyed watching him sweat. "Is there something you want to talk about?" She laid back into her chair and watched him slowly sit down in the chair that had belonged to Rick. It was sacred and ever since he joined that writer's board, he hasn't always been there for the next case.

"Maybe. Um, we're all worried about you. I mean you're doing paperwork rather than working a case. Are you sick or something?" He let his mind go there. "Please tell me you aren't dying!"

She laughed but leaned in closer to him. "I'm not dying Kevin. I was trying to save this but… I'm pregnant." She whispered it so no other prying ears could here but he didn't catch on.

"You're pregnant!" And with that, the whole bull pen started to hover and congratulate her. Espo came running from the break room and pulled her out of her chair and into a hug.

"Congratulations Beckett! Now we have to throw you and Castle a party!"

"No, no you don't. I don't need a party, I don't want a party." Just at the thought of tons of people surrounding her and fawning over her, made her want to hurl.

"Don't be modest, Ryan and I got this." He waved everyone over to his desk to work out the details but there was one person who wasn't celebrating, who wasn't involved in the party planning.

Gates stood with her door open and waited for Kate to follow her in. She motioned to a seat, and Kate's blouse tugged at her hips as she sat down.

"So you are pregnant? I would have loved to know. What are you? Three months along?" Gates sat down at her desk and leaned back into it.

"Exactly three months Sir. I should have let you know but Castle and I were trying to keep it a secret until we could tell everyone together but I guess I'm not fooling anyone." Kate bit her lip and cringed inside. Disappointing Gates was never something to strive for.

"I respect your decision Kate. I do but it matters to your health and that I need to know. I need to make sure that all my detectives are safe and sound. So in the matters of your health, I need to make sure you stay on desk duty. That way we are all good. Ok?"

"Yes sir." Kate smiled because instead of getting reprimanded, she was treated fairly. "Thank you for not sticking it to me."

"Kate. I have never had a kid. I always wanted one but my husband can't. So here I am, childless and I wonder what it's like. How does it feel to have life growing inside of you?" She leaned on her desk, elbows holding her up.

"It feels weird. Like I can't only think about myself anymore, I have to think about my baby. I'm just scared." Kate laid her hand on top of her bump and silently prayed.

"Of what?"

"Losing him or her. It has been a great fear of mine since I was a teenager. I always worried that I would lose the baby." Her hand rubbed her stomach and she smiled as a tear slid down her cheek.

"Now you listen here Beckett, you are strong and you can do this. Stop worrying, it will only be worse on both of you. Now, go home, get rest and you can finish the reports on your own time."

"Are you sure?" She knew that by getting emotional, Gates would treat her differently. But it didn't bother her like she thought it would. Having someone on your side, never hurt anybody.

The minute she left Gates's office, she dialed Rick. He didn't pick up but she knew Alexis was there with Michael so he might be preoccupied. Just at the thought of Michael, Kate beamed. Her glow came from within her and it flowed out because of her baby.

When Kate and Rick pulled up to the doctors office, her stomach cramped. He reached for her hand and squeezed it tight. "Kate, you can do this. You got me."

She smiled and squeezed his hand once more before getting out of the car.

"Have a seat and the doctor will be with you shortly." The receptionist at the desk had a plastered on smile and Kate couldn't help the annoyed look from coming across her face.

"Will it all be ok?" She looked at Rick, panic in her eyes.

"I promised didn't I?" They had nothing to worry about, or so he thought.

"How long have we been waiting?" She nervously chewed her lip and kept squeezing his hand tighter.

"A half hour. Relax hon."

"Kate?" The nurse led her to the room and Kate's stomach took a nose dive. She felt something was wrong but couldn't let herself go there.

"Hello, Kate is it?" The doctor smiled and slid on her gloves. I'm Doctor Jackson, but you can call me Shanya. How are you doing today?"

"Ok. Just a little nervous." Kate laid back into the cot and lifted up her shirt for the ultra sound.

"It'll be fine. Now this might be a little cold." She rubbed the cream across Kate's little bump and then once the machine was hooked up, she began to search.

Kate didn't see anything and the longer the doctor searched, the more sick she became.

"Something wrong?" Rick's voice echoed across the room.

The doctor switched off the machine and removed her gloves. When she turned to them, sympathy came across her face…

MORE TO COME…


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter was really hard for me to write, it comes from a personal place. My mom lost her first baby, which was a girl, and I lost a sister. It is something that does happen and for my mom, she never got over it. So one day, we were talking and she brought up losing her and I decided to write this story. I want to show and talk about what I went through finding out about all of this. I wanted to show what my mom went through. I feel so bad for her and there is nothing I can do to convey my grief but to write about it. So this goes to my mom and my sis up in heaven. Love you both and I'll see you one day girlie. XOXOX**

"Doc? You gonna talk to us? What's wrong?!" There was an ache in Rick's voice and he didn't dare look anywhere but at the doctor, the one holding all the news.

Kate remembered when she first found out she was pregnant. She had major cramps all through work that day and she was waiting to start, she even turned Rick down for sex that night, all because of theses major cramps that were getting nowhere. She had talked to Lanie about it and Lanie simply stated that it was gas. Kate felt stupid but believed there was more to it.

That night, Kate spent her evening over the toilet bowl, tossing everything her little frame managed to keep in. Rick even laid down a rug for her so she was at least comfortable. He had asked to call for an ambulance but she refused. It wasn't easy letting your husband worry about you while you heaved and heaved over a toilet but she wasn't a sissy. She simply figured that it was the buffalo wings she had at the bar that night. She hadn't drank, she wasn't in the mood for that.

"Kate?" Rick's voice cut through her private little flashback and when she looked in his eyes, all the little worries and doubts she had seemed all too real.

"What happened to my baby?" Her hand immediately flocked to her stomach where she knew that it was empty inside. Well, except for the fact that her baby was inside her, but he or she was dead.

"I am so sorry for your loss."

The word for it was miscarriage. She kept crying ever since she found out. She had an appointment to have the baby be removed. She was still in the car, not moving a budge. She hadn't said one word to anyone once she found out. No words would come that would sum up how she felt. She felt she was a failure, a murderer, a terrible person, even though deep down she knew that this wasn't her fault.

"Kate? Are you ready?" Rick's voice was unstable and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. He wished he could change things, take away her pain but he had to stay put, left feeling useless.

She got out of the car, on autopilot and waited for Rick to park the car. Is there a really good way to have your dead baby removed from your abdomen? No, and here she was doing that exact thing. Her heart ached and she felt a huge ping in her chest. Her hand fought with the instinct to touch her belly. She wanted to hide it from everyone but she still had a little bump. Her t-shirt clung to her abdomen as a sick reminder of all that wasn't there.

"Oh, congratulations." A woman, about fifty came walking right up to Kate and immediately placed her hand on her stomach. "How along are you? About three months I believe." She smiled even though she had no idea.

Kate froze, she fought to control her tears and just as she was about to lose it, Rick's hand rested on the small of her back. She immediately leaned into him and felt him become real sturdy.

"Yeah. We gotta go. Have a nice day." His voice somehow mustered the strength to sound somewhat normal. But inside, he was a mess of emotions. Once he pushed on, Kate reached for his hand. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop it."

And for the first time since finding out that she had lost her child, Kate looked at Rick. "My baby is gone." And then there was no consoling her. She lost it. She grabbed at him and crumpled in his arms. She couldn't muster the strength to even hold herself up anymore. And Rick didn't care.

Even though people were staring in the waiting room, they were in their own world. Just like the day where Kate found out that she was pregnant. He had come home from a meeting with his publisher and Kate was still in the bathroom. She hadn't moved from her position the night before.

"Babe?" She was asleep against the tub and her arm was draped over the toilet seat. She looked pale as could be and he panicked. He knelt down next to her and threw her over his shoulder, grabbing the keys on his way out. The emergency room was chaotic as there was a red alert happening at the same time the doctor tried to spill the news.

Kate had fluids being pumped into her and she was finally coherent. She had lost so many nutrients from vomiting all night long that they had so many different things being pumped into her at once. The nurse was trying to stay focused but she kept peeking out the curtain to the craziness outside.

"There is nothing wrong with you. You're pregnant." The nurse smiled and Kate just nodded. She was kind of glad that Rick had gone to get them a drink, she wanted to tell him. Not this uninterested nurse. She nodded her dismissal and she flew so fast out of the little safety of curtains to get to the real action.

"Hey honey, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Just lost a lot of nutrients. She told me to take it easy and well, a bunch of other crap." She reached for the Coke and happily sipped away.

"There is a lot happening in that corner." He pointed to the right and then climbed in next to her. "So, I was thinking, once you get home, we have some serious sex time. If you are up for it, I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows and she bent down and kissed him.

"You are such a man." And when he draped his arm across her stomach she knew she had to tell him the next morning, and she did.

"Kate and Rick Castle?" She still wasn't used to the last name. And it didn't help that at work Espo and Ryan still called her Beckett. But they vowed that they would never change that. The doctor led them to their own room and laid it all out.

"You will be induced and then you will deliver the baby. You can have sometime alone if you want or not. It's up to you two. Do you have any questions?" The doctor seemed heartbroken himself.

"When did you have to do this yourself?" Kate could tell that it was a first hand account that made the doctor not be completely separate with his feelings.

"My wife's second baby. He was beautiful." The doctor swiped at his eyes then tried to get back on course.

"No questions." Kate was very serious, that's how she has always been. At work, you can't be crying and breaking down all the time, you'll never earn their respect. So she learned to hide how she really felt and at times like these, it came in hand. She didn't want to face it. Didn't want to talk about the fact that she had to deliver her dead baby.

They brought her the medicine that would help with this whole sick situation and before Rick and Kate knew it, she was being led away. He suited up for a gown, washed his hands, and slid on gloves. He never stopped holding her hand and she never looked elsewhere.

This was something that both of them were going through, not just Kate. She couldn't forget that Rick was losing his child as well. It was their child they had to say goodbye to. He or she had passed away before they got to be a part of the world. It was everything they had worked so hard to make happen and now all that worked had failed. They were losing their child today.

She couldn't get past the sick feeling of having to give birth to him or her. She didn't want to recognize everything that was going on. Her heart ached and all she wanted to do was trade places with her baby. She would in a heartbeat. She would do anything for her little boy or girl and by the look in Rick's eyes, he felt the same. Everything was different when you had a kid. They became your whole world.

On her last final push, her baby came out. The doctor held up the tiny baby, who was as small as a baby kitten, no her baby was smaller. The doctor had them clean the baby off and he brought him or her to Kate.

"I don't know about you, but I suggest you say goodbye." And he handed their baby over to Kate. She laid with him or her in her hands and smiled. Even though they were gone, they were hers. Rick leaned down and kissed the tiny, almost non existent forehead and whispered goodbye.

Kate couldn't say a thing, she was slowly dying inside and she didn't care anymore. She wanted to go with her baby. She didn't know what the future held and she didn't care.

The word for it was miscarriage.

MORE TO COME…


	7. Chapter 7

**I asked my mom how she felt and she told me. I used that to write this. I couldn't do anything without her, especially this story. She is strong and she knew that she wanted to try again right away. She didn't want to wait. I thank her everyday for being my mom. I love you mom and I know that this story hits home for you. Thanks for all you do. Love Always, ChelseaMarieC**

Part 7

Kate kicked aside the sheets and felt the emptiness in her chest. She remembered what happened yesterday. Her baby died. She felt the rush of pain all over again and knew that no matter what, she couldn't get out of the bed today. So she turned off her phone and stayed huddled into her bed. She didn't care what might happen or what she might miss by not answering her phone. She lost her baby, and that was all she could focus on at the moment.

"Kate?" Rick leaned over her balled up form and pushed her hair back away from her face. He wasn't expecting a response but just kissed her head and cuddled right up next to her.

They laid like that until their home phone started to go off. "That's work. Don't answer." She was speaking like a robot because showing emotion was a weakness in a cop's eyes and she wasn't weak. Kate Castle was a strong woman.

"Honey? I'm gonna let them know what happened. Is that ok?" His voice cracked and he walked around with a heavy heart. She just nodded and tried to not crumble in front of him. "You know that you can be yourself around me. So don't try to keep up a strong front in front of me." He watched her turn on her back and look at him.

It took all of two seconds for her eyes to water and for her to pull him close in her arms. "They're gone Rick. I killed them." Her chest heaved, her voice cracked, and the ache in her heart rose out and into her voice.

"No you didn't Kate. This happens. I just don't know why it had to happen to us." His voice cracked and he picked her up and into his lap. He held her in a sitting position and rocked back and forth with her. His tears streamed from his face and found themselves on her bare skin. Her tears surely melted with his and this is how they felt.

They felt that their world was falling apart, breaking into tiny fractures and scattering across the ground. Their glass hearts shattered and they couldn't put them back together. They stayed like that, through five phone calls, through heavy sobbing, light crying, inaudible sounds, they stayed in each other's arms. They stayed that way through their many tears and slobber. It was where they needed to be, in each other's arms.

"Rick?" She forced herself to look at him. "I don't want to feel like this. I failed our baby. I should have known that things weren't going to work out. I don't know if I can live now without a baby. When we're able to move on, I want to try again. Tell me you want to too. Please. Please Rick, I want a baby." Her tears blurred her vision and she could barely see his baby blues.

"Of course I want to try again. This unfortunately happens. But I don't wanna stop until we have one. I can't imagine life without a baby now. Kate, we can do this. Together we can get through this. Don't think you have to be strong for my sake. You are my wife, you can cry in front of me. You don't have to be the strong, head, detective." He couldn't resist not kissing her, so he pulled her face to his and softly planted a kiss on her lips.

"Rick, I can't right now. Not yet. It's too soon." She pushed him back a bit and leaned her forehead against his. "I'm sorry. It won't be like this forever I promise. Just not yet." She kissed his forehead and slid out of his arms. She grabbed her phone off her nightstand on her way out to the living room and forced herself to call the precinct.

"Where have you been detective? We had a crime scene that could have used your expertise." Gates was giving it to her and for the first time in forever, she allowed herself to show pain.

"I couldn't come today. I, last night, I…" Gates wasn't the first person she wanted to hear the news, her dad was but it had to be said, otherwise who knew what Gates would do. "Can I call you back and explain?"

"Better be quick." Gates hung up on her and Kate was relieved. She quickly called her dad and prepared to fall apart all over again.

"Daddy?" She waited for Jim to put aside whatever he was doing and give her, his full attention like he always did. "I lost my baby." And with that, she collapsed onto the couch and began to feel the tears down her face once more. When she brushed them off her clothes, her hand hit her stomach. She pulled it away out of instinct and fought the tears once more.

"Katie? I'm so sorry. I'll be over in twenty. Just give me time to wrap this up and then I can be there. Katie, tell Rick I am so sorry. Honey, I am so sorry for your loss." Jim began to put away all his papers and just as he was ready to go, she caught him off guard.

"I just want to be with Rick today. Is that ok?" Her voice was cracking and Jim felt for her.

"Of course. Let me know when you want me, I'll be there right away. I love you Katie cat."

"I love you too daddy." And with that she hung up and rubbed her empty stomach. She couldn't believe that just yesterday she had a baby inside her and now, that baby was gone. She knew that stress didn't help. So how couldn't she feel like it was her fault? She brought unnecessary stress to her baby. She was so worried that she couldn't get pregnant and when she did, all she did was worry.

"Did you just get through talking to Jim?" Rick slid next to her on the couch and pulled her into his arms.

"Yeah. I told him that I just wanted to be with you today. I am not in the mood for company right now. And I still have to tell Gates. How can I do that? She is so pissed and I don't want her sympathy. I don't want the guys to know either and Lanie? I can't do this Rick. I can't tell everyone I lost my baby. I can't keep saying it, I don't even want to admit that it really happened let alone talk about it." She shoved her face into his chest and he rubbed her back and his light touch, made her feel whole again.

"I'll do it. I'll call everybody. You did the right thing, you told your dad. I will spread the news. No need to worry." Rick had to be stronger at the moment. She was his rock and she was strong when Alexis was kidnapped. He was the one who was allowed to crumble, so now she gets to.

"Thank you." Her muffled words were clouded by the crack in her voice and the fact that her mouth was pressed firmly into his shirt.

"Always." He kissed her head and continued to hold her until she passed out into his arms. He carried her to the bed and tucked her safely into bed. But he didn't leave right away. He stayed and looked at her. She was so small and fragile looking that his heart pinged again. Her loose tank top slipped off her shoulders and her little shorts she was wearing were all bunched up. He let her lay like that. He tucked her in tighter and gently kissed her head.

Once he was in the living room, he grabbed her cell phone and began the calls. First was Martha and Alexis. Alexis broke down herself. Martha didn't answer, she was still on that retreat. Alexis vowed to come over first thing in the morning but promised to leave Michael with Jenny. He was grateful that she was ready to be there for them but he didn't know if Kate was ready for that. But Alexis would come over anyway.

"Fine but this was your idea. Not mine." Rick peeked down the hallway and made sure that she was still sleeping.

"Duh. No problem chicken butt." Alexis hung up and ran to get Michael in her arms. Once he was safely in her arms, she kissed his little nose and was more grateful than ever to have Michael.

Kate's sleepy eyes opened and her eyelashes were stuck together from her dried tears. She felt the sheets next to her and was upset to find them empty. She sat up in bed and leaned her head over to see out the bedroom door. But there was no movement on the other side. She heard faint music and went to go check it out. She threw on her oversized, gray, hoodie and went to investigate.

There was Rick, asleep with the record player playing some of Judy Garland's best. She smiled. And she couldn't believe that he brought a smile to her face. She lightly touched her lips to prove to herself that she was really smiling. She walked right up to him and knew that sure, she wasn't over losing her baby but she couldn't wait forever to try again. Six weeks, just enough time for her body to heal itself then she wanted to try again. She was ready. Just by looking at him and feeling the emptiness in her stomach, she ached for that small part of their future that was still missing.

She sat on the couch next to him and leaned down and softly kissed his lips. That woke him up. And when his eyes jerked open, they were red and swollen like hers were. He tried to smile but felt nervous that she would take it wrong. But when she smiled he couldn't help but do the same.

"I love you Rick. Always." She bent down and delivered another kiss to him but this wasn't sweet and simple. This kiss was all her emotions that were overwhelming her at the moment. This kiss was a way to let him know that she will be ok. She won't let this destroy her but that doesn't mean she will move on so easily. Because in reality, do you ever move on from something like this?

MORE TO COME…


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